A Living Oddity: The Last Post

Hello all,

Today, I’m saddened to inform all of you that this will be my last blog post.  In the past I’ve joked about leaving, but this time around it’s going to be for real.  I’m still happy about what I’ve accomplished with this blog.  It was all of you that kept me going for the past couple of months that I’ve been blogging.  I really hope you all enjoyed my writing and vision.

I really do love writing.  It’s an outlet that allows me to communicate with an audience that is not immediately accessible.  It’s also a perfect excuse to not censor myself like I have to with family members, friends, and other members of the public.  Let me make it perfectly clear that I have not lost the will to write, however I am upset with WordPress’ brand new layout.  Many of the changes makes it seem that everybody’s writing is far less accessible and hidden from curious eyes.

Anyways, I’ve enjoyed writing for all of you.  It’s been a great pleasure to meet a few people who have enlightened my world with various writing styles and beautifully complex minds.  I should emphasize that this may not be a permanent absence on my part: I may return one day if I feel that something needs to be said and WordPress switches the format around to my liking.  Please feel free to read any of my posts, and don’t be shy about emailing me.  I always love hearing from you.  If anyone is interested in me doing some guest writing on their sites, I will be more than happy to.  I will also from time to time read everyone’s new posts and as well as comment on them.  This will just be the end of me writing new posts on this account.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, keep on writing, and thanks again.

- Evan

 

My Male-Like View on Dating

I’m not saying that I know anything about dating, however most people know as much about relationships as they do date rape.  Throughout my adolescence I was certain that having numerous girlfriends would help my nuts drop lower and my dick grow longer as they tugged on it.  It’s every teenage guy’s dream to have some girl rub up on his nether regions until Robin Williams popped out and gave you three wishes.  That’s right ladies, you’re capable of pumping out menstrual blood monthly and human life every 9 months while us men can push out wish-giving genies.  Warm your hands by the fire and come on over for a magical evening.

I was declared by doctors and self-proclaimed sex experts as still a virgin, although those are people who think the sole purpose of dating is getting dicks wet and women looser.  Apparently, nothing says “I love you” more than injecting a woman with your man-chowder on a daily basis, risking the prospect of a bastard child being born.  Some women are sex crazed while others choose to preserve their innocence with barbed wires wrapped within their panties to deny immediate access.  Women should consider such adequate defense systems as these so they won’t be quick to be labeled as “easy.”  To me, dating is not about seeing whether I can fit my dick inside of her.  I, too, long for personal connection despite popular belief of so many women who think men are only interested in penetration.  It’s easy for me to say that since the experts still call me a virgin, but certain business in particular is essential if I want the sex to mean anything.

Let’s think about this in real world terms.  Dating and getting to know each other is the business, and the sex following afterwards is the paperwork to seal the deal on said business.  There will be no profit or benefits if we just go ahead and have sex.  What’s the point of paperwork if there’s no business?  I’m not wasting the “ink” in my pen on a shriveled up piece of paper such as yourself if there’s nothing to show for it.  Business is important, but don’t think you’re clever comparing my dick size to that of a pen.  That’s about as far as women can go when they attempt comedic insults on their boyfriends.  How about this, why don’t you use your π so we can measure the circumference of my one-eyed trouser snake?  We can have sex and do math simultaneously, but no calculators.

Wait, are you a girl calling me a girl because I’m interested in personal connection?  How sad that you’d rather take the slutty route by sporting your spiritual beer goggles and having sex with something that also drunkenly moves.  You should name your bastard child after the beer or liquor you were drinking at the time of copulating.  That’ll be a good story for the little sucker to hear when he’s five.  Stop being so closed minded while your legs are so wide open.  I may be a man, but rape is not interesting to me.  I can love, too.

Going on Hiatus!

Hello all,

This time of year is extremely busy for a lot of people.  I have final exams coming up so I’m not going to be writing any new posts until I’ve finished taking my exams to allow for full concentration.  Now I know some of you are going to be like, “OMG I can study for final exams AND write millions of blog posts you lazy ass.  I’m better than you.”  That’s fantastic, I’m looking forward to those millions of Pulitzer prize winning posts.

Anyway, I thought it’d be better to write a post declaring my intentions to go on a mini hiatus instead of just not writing abruptly.  So, I’ll be back probably next weekend or something.  Summer is almost here!!!

Thanks for understanding!

- Evan

7 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

I think it’s hilarious when some woman’s magazine releases a new edition each month and has come up with fifty new ways to spice up sexual endeavors.  Women’s magazines have taken the P in the V concept very far ever since Adam and Eve figured out that their genitals fit inside each other.  In interest of keeping up with the trends, I have developed a small list myself.

1. Dip each other in fondu chocolate and proceed to lick every last square inch of it off each other.  Once she’s nice and bloated, begin to drum on her stomach while you’re wailing away at her nether regions and watch as the chocolate sprays off her stomach.

2. Butter her up by collecting an obnoxious amount of dick shaped foods that you can slap and what not against roast beef or whatever even remotely resembles female anatomy.  Put on a little puppet show with a hot dog (or vegetarian hot dog) and the little piece of roast beef and call it “Fun With Dick and Fanny.”  Create your own beginning, middle, and end where Dick and Fanny will be together forever.

3. Reenact a scene from the movie “Teeth.”  Once he’s digging into her cave, he should start screaming bloody murder while her inner dentures begin to gnaw off his penis.  And the Oscar goes to…

4. Pretend his condom is a ghost costume while he wishes to roam the haunted house inside her.  Within a week, Stephen King will have written a 1000 page epic that chronicles the ghost’s adventures within the haunted house and will go on to be a New York’s #1 bestseller.  It’ll probably be more accurate if he’s in the room with you while this happens.

5. Act like the day is December 21st, 2012.  The Apocalypse is going full throttle,  so this should be the craziest sex ever imagined to the point that they just kill each other and won’t face the wrath of God.

6. We’re going heavy metal now.  Have her hold a stereo while you’re going in and out of her.  She’ll be playing Korn or something while you thrust away in a moshing manner.  Don’t stop until an entire album’s worth of material has played out.

7. Role play as Jason Voorhees and a helpless camp counselor.  He should pull on a hockey mask while she lays on the ground, stupidly screaming and approach her with a machete.  This is the main female character though, so she has to survive until the very ending.  This calls for many encounters with Jason’s “machete” and the helpless camp counselor.

Poetry Contest #2

I think it’s time again for me to stop writing and allow you all the chance to explore the infinite world of poetry.  There are no rules except don’t write me an epic like The Odyssey or something that’s 289339823 lines long.  You can write about anything you want and I don’t care about language or being repulsively graphic.  BE CREATIVE!

Post your poem in the comments section.

The winner of this contest will be given the opportunity to write a guest post on my blog.  I only received two entries last time, and they both ended up winning.  Now that I have more followers and perhaps other people are reading, I would really love to get several entries.  Give me something to read!!!

I’ll pick a winner this Saturday, unless I receive a lame amount of entries like last time.

30 Things I Hate About People

1. People who say “YOLO.”  I guess you didn’t see Tupac at Coachella last week.

2. People who think they deserve success because they carry a “Sob Story.”  Apparently hard work is no longer a requirement.

3. People who think they’re better than everyone else because of their minor scholastic achievements.

4. People who think they look older when they hold a beer and party.

5. People who think I’m religious just because some of my posts have religious references.  I’m not.

6. People who say, “I raped that test,” although that would mean you ripped the paper up with your dick and therefore it didn’t get graded.  Rape is never rewarding and doesn’t give you good things.

7. People who think they’re quirky because they love bacon so much.

8. People who think they’ll lose weight by just eating healthily and not actually exercising.

9. People who think they’re experts in a particular field just because it’s their current college major.

10. People who say they’ve been way too busy to talk even though it takes 5 seconds to send a single text message.

11. People who think they’re activists just because they support gay rights or another cause.

12. People (such as religious fanatics and the gay community) force beliefs down other people’s throats.

13. People who like the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Boston Bruins.

14. People who think The Hunger Games came before Battle Royale.

15. People who say, “I can’t do this.”

16. People who think fuck, shit, damn, ass, cunt, bastard, hell, and other words are bad.  They’re just words.

17. People who get offended way too easily over the dumbest shit.

18. People who think they’re famous because they tried out for American Idol.

19. People who are rude.

20. People who think they’re intellectually superior when they drink coffee.

21. People who think they’re dating experts because they’ve had one night stands and dated somebody for two months.

22. People who engage in the Mac vs. PC debate.  Mac is a PC, it’s all about preference, not what’s better.

23. People who think they’re going to be successful because of having a higher IQ.  Successful at what?  Do you aspire to be a serial killer?  Those guys have genius IQs.

24. People who sob over the death of some kid in their school and act like it has impacted them the most even though they weren’t close to said person.

25. People who think they’re experts in politics just because they have opinions.

26. People who think they can get anything they want for free as long as they complain enough.

27. People who have irrelevant arguments on a Youtube video.

28. People who think they know everything about sex just because someone stuck their dick in them.

29. People who think Lil Wayne, Drake, Rick Ross, Soulja Boy, Nicki Minaj, etc are better than Eminem, Hopsin, Biggie, Wu-Tang Clan, Big L, etc.

30. People who think the relationship is all about their needs and wants because they have the vagina.

 

A Boyfriend’s Letter Sent From Heaven

Dear the Love of my life,

I’ve been dead for about a week now ever since the incident that claimed my life.  I know you’re still grieving, but I thought I’d write you this letter so you know that I’m still watching over you.  You’re just as lovely, if not more so, when I look down from Heaven.  You can look up towards the sky at any time and smile at me and I’ll always smile back.  Can you believe that you’re actually reading this right now?  The technology is top notch up here in Heaven.  Two angelic messengers named  Malachy and Engel  delivered this specially to you and I look forward to writing you even more in the future.

We had a strong six years going and that engagement ring fit beautifully on your finger.  I spent many days when I was alive always thinking about our future together.  Our love is what kept me going for so many years and I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my time on Earth with you until our dying day, hand in hand.  I still have that slip of paper with your phone number on it when we first met at your friend’s party.  I was a little reluctant to call you at first, but I knew we had some connection.  They say to never share a kiss on the first date, however we knew we were in love on that first date.  I can still taste that first kiss and it’s probably my favorite memory of us.  It held a predictive power that opened our eyes to our future.  Images of our love saturated my mind at that moment and made me think about us many years down the road.  That slip of paper with your phone number on it is in the  left pocket of my pants that I was wearing when I passed.  I planned to show it to you again before I died to remind us of our beautiful past.  I hope, even in my death, that you’ll carry our love with you for the rest of time.

Let’s not kid ourselves though, I’ve learned a lot up here in my first week in Heaven.  I’m glad I was able to die peacefully in my sleep, however when I see the replay footage I could do nothing but shake my head.  Remember how you’ve had sleeping problems every night we went to bed since we started dating?  I never had issues, but a week ago you decided to overdose me.  You slipped some of your medication into my wine while I wasn’t looking as we were preparing for a lovely night.  I could’ve woken up eventually, but you took a baseball bat and bludgeoned me to death while I was unconscious.  May I say you’ve got a hell of a swing?  All of those years playing softball really helped you improve; I’m glad to see you’ve put your skills to use.  The neighbors are starting to complain about a foul smell roaming around the neighborhood in proximity of our house.  You can’t keep my body in the crawlspace forever babe, so I suggest you dissolve it in some acid and then pour the sludge of my remains down the bathtub drain.  You can still dig your phone number out of my pocket before you do so If you want to keep it.  I think it’s funny that there are three 6′s in your number.  You’re safe for now, but eventually investigators will search our house and the evidence to convict you will be overwhelming.  Didn’t think that one through, did ya?

I never treated you wrong, although now I understand your motive for killing me.  You never loved me even though I’ve loved you all these years.  But now I know that you’ve been cheating on me with that Charlie guy we’ve been friends with for quite some time.  You didn’t just whore around with him though, you went and slept with many other guys while I’ve been faithful.  God told me that until you’re arrested for my murder, you’re going to continue to cheaply sleep around with other men while using that same slip of paper with your phone number on it.  I hope Hell burns worse than the many STDs you’ll come in contact with.  You’re one hot Demon, baby.  You can prostitute all you want in Hell with others of your kind.  I heard John Wayne Gacy has been looking for some action, and soon enough Charles Manson will be asking for some, too.

Until next time my Love,

- Evan

Sleeping Beauty

“I am beautiful,” she said amongst the danger of hurtful words from her peers.  For many years they had persecuted her for her many imperfections.  They said she lacked any kind of beauty on the inside and out.  She knew that she was beautiful, so she returned to her home to find that inner beauty.

Nobody was home.  She gathered a few bottles of alcohol and a pair of scissors and retreated to the bathroom.  She plugged the bathtub drain and poured each bottle of alcohol into the tub.  After removing all of her clothes, she walked over to the bathroom mirror with the pair of scissors and began touching each inch of her body with the pointed end of the blades.  She watched the scissors dent her body, marking where she would cut.  She knew that beauty was held within, so she angled the blades and started cutting into her skin.  Blood dripped from her limbs, her chest, and her stomach down to the floor.  Her inner beauty, obscured from society, was finally flowing out, she thought.

A smile was needed to showcase her true beauty before she bled out.  She took the scissors and started cutting into the corners of her lips so that a bloody looking smile would come to life.  A wicked smile graced her face for the first time since she had seen life through the eyes of a child.

Afterwards, she stepped into the tub of alcohol and laid down to let the liquid seep into the cuts of her body.  The vicious burn caused her to let out a violent scream that ripped an even bigger smile into her face.  Within minutes from bleeding out and toxic exposure, she fell into a permanent sleep with her beauty circulating about the tub.

Sleeping Beauty.

 

Mistreatment of Animals in Slaughterhouses

The people of the United States and other countries throughout the world have satisfied their hunger at the expense of mistreated animals.  Growing up, I always knew slaughterhouses existed but I was ignorant about what happened within the walls of one.  I ate meat throughout my entire life until September of 2011.  I made the switch to a vegetarian diet because I initially wanted to lose weight.  I eventually lost 30 lbs and now I sit at a comfortable 187 lbs at 6’2″.  It wasn’t until recently that I educated myself about the mistreatment of the animals that are slaughtered just to feed the human race.

Many of the piglets are castrated without anesthesia, cows are beaten in the face with metal rods, chickens are thrown in a grinder alive, etc.  Below, I’ve supplied you with video footage from many slaughterhouses that document the brutal mistreatment of animals.  The video clocks in at about 11 minutes, although it doesn’t take more than just few seconds to realize how cruel humanity is.  I am not trying to persuade you all to make the switch to a vegetarian diet, although I think it’s important that you should know how the meat stored in your fridge came to be.

WARNING! THE VIDEO BELOW IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC! WATCH AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

Random Thoughts/Observations #10

Location: Watching the Flyers get destroyed by the Penguins.

1. This is the first time I’ve seen a team score 10+ goals in an NHL game in a long time.
2. GO CAPITALS!!!!!!!!!!!
3. Hey lady with the awesome knockers, how’d you like to get fisted with some sock’em boppers?
4. I should be a rapper.  Did you see those multisyllabic rhymes in #3?
5. Ever realize how friendships have evolved since childhood?
6. It used to be all about Pokemon battles and blowing bubbles, and now all of the sudden we’re having one night stands.
7. I’m struggling.  Would you guys rather read more of my violent literature, comedic posts, or love ones?
8. “Haha, he considers his stuff literature, funny, and lovely?”
9. I have no choice other than what I write about.
10. Like OMG I don’t have enough material to write about fashion and baking recipes.
11. OMG OMG OMG!
12. Summer is in less than three weeks for me.
13. You guys are gonna get a lot of good stuff out of me this summer.
14. I need a girlfriend.
15. “OMG HE’LL NEVER GET A GIRLFRIEND IF HE TALKS ABOUT WOMEN THAT WAY OMG!”
16. A Living Oddity