1. The Sarge
Distinguishing Characteristics: gutter mouth, loud, constantly watching/insulting you
You know you have your own personal problems, that is until you start dating The Sarge, who is always quick to call you out on your bullshit. Her mouth has been running for the better part of the relationship while her pointing index finger stands in as a sidekick to really emphasize whatever the hell she was talking about. She’s effective when it comes to whipping you into shape and can be as brutal as Marines boot camp, yet in this relationship you’ll never get past basic training. She has got a hold on your ass for the remainder of endless time until you satisfy her requirements and meet her standards of a real boyfriend. Is your hair too long? She’ll tell you that you better get it cut. Was the sex good? Nope, you better learn to thrust better. In other words she is more man than you will ever hope to be and your survival through training isn’t guaranteed.
Advantages: Usually right Disadvantages: Usually right
2. The Detective
Distinguishing Characteristics: sneaky, darting eyes, neurotic behavior
In the Detective’s court of law, it’s practically impossible to prove your innocence when it comes to anything. She’s constantly high-strung and always wondering what you’re doing. Her imagination is overly ambitious as she thinks you’re jerking off to a picture that isn’t of her or you’re cheating with another woman. She’ll quickly throw together a case, going so far as to pluck a hair off your head while you’re innocently watching T.V. and retreat to her underground laboratory, obsessively trying to match your D.N.A. with another hair she found at some chick’s house. When the Detective’s case goes cold, she’ll confront you and make up a story so ridiculous that only she can believe it. Good news is she’ll probably end the relationship at this moment without any effort from you whatsoever.
Advantages: caring Disadvantages: obsessive, dumb
3. Miss Batshit Insane
Distinguishing Characteristics: twitchy, too energetic
You’re boring as hell so you decide to date a girl with spunk. Enter Miss Batshit Insane, who is more than likely an escapee of an insane asylum from some remote island and the guards haven’t caught her yet. The relationship is fun for a while until two days in and she’s already begging for sex in some crazy setting, assuming because she doesn’t have much time until she’s arrested. Sex sounds wonderful with a girl as beautiful as her, but not on the front lawn as she suggests. You’re pissed because you accidentally started fucking an ant hill and a gang of fire ants chowed down on your dick, all because she wanted to do something crazy. Your tranquilizer gun is malfunctioning, so you’re terrified at the thought of what she’ll do/think of next. At times she can be quite pleasant, but an insane person needs their thrill, so she’s bound to drive off a cliff with you in the passenger seat.
Advantages: fun, creative Disadvantages: mentally ill, drives off cliffs
4. The Parking Meter
Distinguishing Characteristics: dollar signs for eyes, hands on your wallet pocket
We’re in rough economic times and you’ve got yourself to financially support. You made the mistake of picking up The Parking Meter at the bar last night after you paid for her apple martinis. Her favorite thing to do is declare anything you two do together as a date so that she can get a free ride. She enjoys guzzling down your wallet right down to the last dollar, which you’d hope could at least buy you a cheap hot dog. She has taken the “what’s yours is mine” policy to the next level, spending your last dollar to buy a goldfish instead because she thought he was cute. The Parking Meter needs money to be spent on her by the hour because there is no free parking, gentlemen.
Advantages: buys sexy lingerie with your money Disadvantages: you couldn’t get Skyrim
5. The Pretend Wife
Distinguishing Characteristics: plays with plastic dolls, adopts your last name
The Pretend Wife is bordering on her 20′s but dammit that doesn’t mean she can’t still be a kid. You’ve only been dating for a week and she has already figured out that she’s totally in love with you. She takes her new discovery to the next level by role-playing a disturbing game of house where she plays the wife, you play the husband, and you have to care for your plastic and/or invisible children. She’ll bug you relentlessly about what to name the kids and gets mad at you if you don’t tend to their problems. There was even that one time she accused you of molestation because you touched her Barbie doll “inappropriately” by picking her up by the legs and stretching them apart like most little boys do. She has brought shame to the family name and you’re ready to call it quits, but she won’t agree until you file legitimate divorce papers and give her custody of the kids. She also won’t allow supervised visits.
Advantages: family girl Disadvantages: thinks you’re a terrible husband
6. The Perfect Woman
Distinguishing Characteristics: turns heads, gorgeous, likes you for some reason
The Perfect Woman flocks your direction because she sees you as a handsome man who will no doubt care for her. She doesn’t make snotty remarks about your clothing and doesn’t laugh if you’re undersized down south. She’s just grateful to have you in her life and has no complaints about your lifestyle or character. She’s willing to make amends and will take the fault when it is indeed hers. In essence you forget that you two ever fought because she is just absolutely gorgeous and you wouldn’t trade her for the world.
Advantages: gorgeous, awesome Disadvantages: she doesn’t exist
