The 6 Worst Types of Girlfriends

1.  The Sarge

Distinguishing Characteristics: gutter mouth, loud, constantly watching/insulting you

You know you have your own personal problems, that is until you start dating The Sarge, who is always quick to call you out on your bullshit.  Her mouth has been running for the better part of the relationship while her pointing index finger stands in as a sidekick to really emphasize whatever the hell she was talking about.  She’s effective when it comes to whipping you into shape and can be as brutal as Marines boot camp, yet in this relationship you’ll never get past basic training.  She has got a hold on your ass for the remainder of endless time until you satisfy her requirements and meet her standards of a real boyfriend.  Is your hair too long?  She’ll tell you that you better get it cut.  Was the sex good?  Nope, you better learn to thrust better.  In other words she is more man than you will ever hope to be and your survival through training isn’t guaranteed.

Advantages: Usually right  Disadvantages: Usually right

2. The Detective

Distinguishing Characteristics: sneaky, darting eyes, neurotic behavior

In the Detective’s court of law, it’s practically impossible to prove your innocence when it comes to anything.  She’s constantly high-strung and always wondering what you’re doing.  Her imagination is overly ambitious as she thinks you’re jerking off to a picture that isn’t of her or you’re cheating with another woman.  She’ll quickly throw together a case, going so far as to pluck a hair off your head while you’re innocently watching T.V. and retreat to her underground laboratory, obsessively trying to match your D.N.A. with another hair she found at some chick’s house.  When the Detective’s case goes cold, she’ll confront you and make up a story so ridiculous that only she can believe it.  Good news is she’ll probably end the relationship at this moment without any effort from you whatsoever.

Advantages: caring  Disadvantages: obsessive, dumb

3. Miss Batshit Insane

Distinguishing Characteristics: twitchy, too energetic

You’re boring as hell so you decide to date a girl with spunk.  Enter Miss Batshit Insane, who is more than likely an escapee of an insane asylum from some remote island and the guards haven’t caught her yet.  The relationship is fun for a while until two days in and she’s already begging for sex in some crazy setting, assuming because she doesn’t have much time until she’s arrested.  Sex sounds wonderful with a girl as beautiful as her, but not on the front lawn as she suggests.  You’re pissed because you accidentally started fucking an ant hill and a gang of fire ants chowed down on your dick, all because she wanted to do something crazy.  Your tranquilizer gun is malfunctioning, so you’re terrified at the thought of what she’ll do/think of next.  At times she can be quite pleasant, but an insane person needs their thrill, so she’s bound to drive off a cliff with you in the passenger seat.

Advantages: fun, creative  Disadvantages: mentally ill, drives off cliffs

4. The Parking Meter

Distinguishing Characteristics: dollar signs for eyes, hands on your wallet pocket

We’re in rough economic times and you’ve got yourself to financially support.  You made the mistake of picking up The Parking Meter at the bar last night after you paid for her apple martinis.  Her favorite thing to do is declare anything you two do together as a date so that she can get a free ride.  She enjoys guzzling down your wallet right down to the last dollar, which you’d hope could at least buy you a cheap hot dog.  She has taken the “what’s yours is mine” policy to the next level, spending your last dollar to buy a goldfish instead because she thought he was cute.  The Parking Meter needs money to be spent on her by the hour because there is no free parking, gentlemen.

Advantages: buys sexy lingerie with your money Disadvantages: you couldn’t get Skyrim

5.  The Pretend Wife

Distinguishing Characteristics: plays with plastic dolls, adopts your last name

The Pretend Wife is bordering on her 20′s but dammit that doesn’t mean she can’t still be a kid.  You’ve only been dating for a week and she has already figured out that she’s totally in love with you.  She takes her new discovery to the next level by role-playing a disturbing game of house where she plays the wife, you play the husband, and you have to care for your plastic and/or invisible children.  She’ll bug you relentlessly about what to name the kids and gets mad at you if you don’t tend to their problems.  There was even that one time she accused you of molestation because you touched her Barbie doll “inappropriately” by picking her up by the legs and stretching them apart like most little boys do.  She has brought shame to the family name and you’re ready to call it quits, but she won’t agree until you file legitimate divorce papers and give her custody of the kids.  She also won’t allow supervised visits.

Advantages: family girl Disadvantages: thinks you’re a terrible husband

6.  The Perfect Woman

Distinguishing Characteristics: turns heads, gorgeous, likes you for some reason

The Perfect Woman flocks your direction because she sees you as a handsome man who will no doubt care for her.  She doesn’t make snotty remarks about your clothing and doesn’t laugh if you’re undersized down south.  She’s just grateful to have you in her life and has no complaints about your lifestyle or character.  She’s willing to make amends and will take the fault when it is indeed hers.  In essence you forget that you two ever fought because she is just absolutely gorgeous and you wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Advantages: gorgeous, awesome  Disadvantages: she doesn’t exist

She Still Loves Me

Last night I had a beautiful nightmare.

I was laying on the floor practically lifeless, yet my eyes twitched as if they were trying to roll back into my head.  The scene was pitch black with not a speck of light glowing anywhere.  All of the sudden, I heard a piercing scream, one that you’d hear from a woman in danger.  Her scream illuminated the dark room, lighting it up with a blinding white shine.  Nothing existed in this world except me and this white shine.  My eyes readjusted from fluttering and saw in the distance a beautiful young woman wandering my direction.  The white light drained all color out of the world except her blue eyes, which flickered and rippled as if they contained ocean water.  As she got closer, she started to gain more color.  She was gorgeous, and I instantly identified her as the girl I dated a year ago.

She bent downwards to aid me in my lifeless state.  My eyes were completely concentrated on hers.  Her color failed to reflect onto my body.  She continued to intently stare into my eyes.

“Heal me,” I said.

With her right hand, she struck down into my chest.  Her hand penetrated the tissue, the muscle, and widened the gap between my rib cage.  She gripped my heart and pulled it out of its normal resting place.  Her hand came out of my body without any blood staining it, and my heart wasn’t repeatedly beating, it was completely dead.  She held it in her hand for several seconds until a wave of red light permeated through her chest into my perished heart.  Within seconds, my grey heart regained its color and began beating normally.  Blood splashed about, and every object it touched helped to regain its natural hue.  She grasped my heart with two hands and used her teeth to rip off the top layer shielding the inside from the world.  She then proceeded to swirl her index and middle finger into the pool of blood inside my heart.

Like a water color artist, she painted the bright white space surrounding us with my own blood.  She wrote the words, “I still love you.”  It was in these final moments before I passed where I noticed her standing right beside her last message, dripping with blood and coloring a beautiful world.

Welcome to my nightmare, my dear.

She Peels Me Away

She stands in front me, pondering why I am the way that I am.  My entire body is intact and I’ve professed my love for her, but she is curious to see me on the inside.  She wishes to scavenge for the love within my inner chambers, layer by layer of my anatomy.

Slowly she begins to grab hold of my skin, the outer most layer of my being that she’s used to seeing everyday, and rips it off like wallpaper.  There are a few more layers of skin to peel if she wishes to go any deeper.  It’s almost like a mask and costume of deception to her, hiding what I really am on the inside.  Blood permeates through my layers to let her know that I am indeed human.  I implore her to dig deeper.

She has arrived at the muscular system.  Blood still flows but it has picked up the pace.  I have the strength to uphold myself, and my love for you shall do the same.  Go even further my love, you haven’t reached the center of my universe.

She’s proven how eager she is as the blood stains her hands and the ground below us.  The warmth of the blood shields her from the ice coursing through her own body.  She continues to pry my muscles from the tendons connecting to my bones.  In the process she has managed to dispose of my organs.  My stomach still pulses with nausea, yet there is no sickness inside of me for there is only love.  My lungs are working overtime to compliment the thumping heartbeat to ensure I’ll be with her until my last breath.

She has finally reached my skeleton.  The bones are still shaped correctly to hold me up as she is minutes from discovering the love within me.  This is the first time my inner self has escaped from the eternal darkness.  She has allowed the light to fill my pale skeleton as the life spills out of me.  She removes the roof of my skull and pulls out the brain.  She examines the beauty of its complexity and takes note of my thought process.  This is also the first time that she’s been able to read into my mind.  There is no code to decipher, she can see exactly what I’m thinking.  Telepathy at its finest.  She gently places my brain back in and closes my skull.

She works her way to my heart.  She snaps my ribcage open like it was a trap door and grasps my heart firmly with purpose.  She’s careful so as to not drop it, risking disease and splinters from piercing it the second it hit the floor.  A feeling of warmth and love impales through her hand as the feeling travels through her arms and towards her heart.  Love possesses her own heart as she nears the end of her journey.  She has reached a moment of clarity as blood trickles down her arms and soaks the rest of her body.  She has found the center of my universe and her own.  We live through each other in the heart.  Do you see now, my love?

Now stitch me back together.

I’ve Hurt : I’m Hurt

In many posts I have hinted and addressed the hurt I see happening in this world.  Mainly I’ve included descriptions and metaphors as examples to demonstrate the hurt we’ve experienced throughout our lifetime.  I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve spent the entirety of my blog detailing the imperfections of others while I’ve never exactly included myself in the population.  I generally feel that I don’t hurt other people because I usually try to back out of any opportunity that allows me to do so.  Nothing’s worse than being told that you’ve hurt the feelings of another human being, one that is no doubt overwhelmed by their own imperfections.  Being angry and feeling tormented because of other frivolous matters is no excuse to push it on to someone else.  I am not proud to say that I’ve hurt my twin sister tonight.  She took note of the anger drowning my mind and made it a task to help me see it through.

She is now hurt, and it hurts me to know that.  I’ve brought this upon myself.  I’m a monster.

Words fucking hurt.  I don’t have the heart to hit anybody, so words serve as my main vehicle to accomplish my goals.  Didn’t I recently mention that I think  I’m one of the nicest people in the world?  Emotion has overpowered my claim of having a good-natured approach.  My disguise has worn off, and now I’ve made my sister retreat to a night of tears because of my mean-spirited rant.  She didn’t deserve it, nobody ever does.  Yelling at her with countless obscenities was a way to satisfy the rage coursing through my veins and haunting my mind.

“You’ve never been like this before.  I don’t know what’s happened to you, you’re never like this,” she said as tears surged and trickled down her face.  People like to think shouting obscenities will get the job done if you want to hurt somebody, but nothing hurts worse than hearing the truth in a few simple words like my sister told me.  I’ve just endangered my relationship with a loved one.

I wasn’t myself tonight and I hate myself for what I’ve done.  I’ve succumbed to the anger and it has damaged everything I’ve worked hard for.  Why is it that we don’t come together and love one another unless damage has been caused?  I feel like I had this mentality after I hurt my sister.  We already established a relationship of brotherly and sisterly love, but my sudden anger and other trivial issues intervened and I’ve caused a disaster.  The only problem is, we haven’t reconnected yet.  I went downstairs to check up on her and apologize for my inexcusable behavior.

She wouldn’t open the door.  Not a single sound left the room she trapped herself into to escape my hurtful demeanor.  I’m worried to be perfectly honest.

My hurtful words are currently torturing her, making her wonder what has possessed me to make me so enraged.  I can’t forgive myself for hurting somebody, especially when I advocate love in my own writing.

I’ve ripped her apart with the brutal things I’ve said, and now she’s looking away.

I’m sorry.

 

Dysfunction

“You can’t feel my anger.

You can’t feel my pain.

You can’t feel my torment driving me insane.

I can’t fight these feelings.

They bring only pain.

You can’t take away.

Make me whole again.”

Mental Error

Embrace your insanity.  It is in these times where your mind is at its utmost creative state.  It manipulates the reality in front of you, creating an entirely new world for you to explore.  This vision may be beautiful or it can be utterly terrifying to the point that your insanity is most destructive.

Look out into the world and see what’s really there, then edit it until you see fit just like any talented artist would.  Your mind is a cluster of many different colors of paint working towards a beautiful masterpiece.  With this tool, you can do anything, there are no limits whatsoever.  The world in front of you isn’t as complete as your own mind; your own mind has created the world in front of you.  This is the reason you and I don’t see eye to eye on numerous occasions, because our minds are at work producing two different pieces of artwork.  The ideas may seem similar but the art succumbs to the realm of interpretation.

You see nothing but a lovely woman making her way into your heart.  I see a lovely young woman making her way into your heart, only to suffocate it with the monstrosity within her.

You see nothing but wonderful colors the leaves of the tree emit in the glow of spring weather.  I see past the beautiful colors and see it for what it used to be in its ugly history.  Many lives were lost at this site.

You see nothing but the entirety of the beautiful world in front of you, beholding many mysteries ahead.  I see the same world, yet a creature so demonic blocks my view of it as he stands in front of me, staring intently into my eyes with a red glow.

Is this truly a mental error?  I’m not going to question my own mind.  It works with my heart to keep me alive, so I’m not allowed to question it.  I’m just going to agree with its projections.  I’m not crazy, my mind is just an entirely different artist on its own.

Anxiety

Over the internet, my restrictions don’t hinder me from communicating with the rest of you.  However, if we met in real life I’d be an absolute wreck.  I have pretty bad social anxiety but I’ll still make somewhat of an effort to talk to you because it’s hard to thrive in life without communication.  Basically, I’m always thinking that people are judging me negatively whenever they look at me or talk to me.  Through blog, this problem isn’t as pertinent because I can’t see your faces, meaning I don’t know what you’re thinking about me.  I’ve struggled with generalized and social anxiety ever since the elementary school years.  It’s certainly in my genes, but the environment is a major factor interacting with my disposition.  At times I was bullied in elementary and middle school, just like some of you or a lot of you have experienced.  I fed off of the negativity,  making me think only about my flaws.  As a result, people have fed off of the negativity of any bully I ever had, and ran with it to make me feel negatively about myself.

It’s great to know when you have people to love, but then there’s an equal number of people out there in the world who will stop at nothing to hurt you.  I’ve struggled with this for many years, and recently I’ve felt quite lonely and depressed because of where I am, the loss of my grandfather, and many other reasons.  For the first time in my life, I’ve finally addressed my anxiety and depression issues with an actual doctor as I was tired of people telling me, “Everybody has anxiety for some reason.”  The doctor was on my side and just prescribed me Zoloft and some other random pill to pop.  I’m a tad worried about the side effects but it’s time to confront my inner demons.  Just so you know, I’ve never been suicidal in my entire life, so I’m hoping you aren’t thinking of me as somebody who could snap at any minute.

I’m a little relieved now that I have some medication to combat my anxiety and depression, yet I’m still lonely.  Looks like pill bottles are going to be my new best friend for months to come.  I can already tell our relationship is going to start off wonderfully, until it descends into utter chaos in our final moments.

 

Random Thoughts/Observations #7

Location: On the couch watching basketball

1. On the way home from class this girl gave me a dirty look.
2. I should’ve said, “Swiper no swiping, bitch.”
3. Dick Vitale is covering this game.
4. He sounds like he’s sitting on a dildo when he talks.
5. I’m really just waiting for the Indiana game.
6. GO HOOSIERS!
7. I ran out of peanut butter, this is a really bad thing.
8. Will girls lick peanut butter off you?
9. Actually that’s kind of creepy, I’ll keep my fantasies to myself.
10. My roommate is eating a snack pack and he won’t share it.
11. I’m not asking him to spoon feed me snack pack goodness, that’s a little odd and the window’s open.
12. Just give me a taste of my childhood, dude.
13. He’s an asshole.
14. I just weighed myself and I’m at 179.
15. This means I’ve lost 37 pounds.  I’m sexy now.
16. Actually that’s a bad thing to say, I used to be pleasantly plump, you’re beautiful no matter how close to 1000 pounds you are.
17. My roommate just said, “Choke on a dick,” to the television.  I don’t think I should ask him for that snack pack again.
18. He needs a girlfriend, I do too, but he’s not really focusing on females right now.  He’s really into that snack pack, the one he won’t share.
19. He’s got a point though, girls don’t really taste like el chocolate, not even darker skinned girls.
20. I’m really not racist, I love everybody.
21. What hurts worse, getting kicked in the nuts or giving birth?
22. I’m not gonna ask my roommate the question, he’s already pissed about me asking for his snack pack.
23. That came out wrong.
24. This game is getting out of hand, dammit N.C. State.  Get off of Carolina’s dick, Dick.
25. A Living Oddity

Smile

Whenever somebody flashes a smile your direction, what do you make of it?  Unlike a mirror, one that is incapable of deception, a smile boasts the unique ability of possessing several different meanings.  The mirror will tell you as it is while a smile works to truly mess with your mind.  We’ve been taught to associate a smile with positivity, but does this positivity benefit the giver and the receiver, or does it mean happiness for one and hurt for the other?

Her face twists up into a smile, emitting a glow of beauty across the room.  He’s proud of himself because he’s made the love of his life happy.  He responds with a look on his face to match hers, reminding her that they’ll always have each other.  Their complex love exists within the simplicity of a smile.

The little boy’s face drips with blood, trickling down towards his mouth where a smile used to be.  It is no longer existent.  The violence and hatred of his peers have taken the smile he once had for good, and they’ve used it for the purpose of evil.  Their smile emits a darkness the little boy is uncomfortable with, reminding him of the darkness he bathes in within the boundaries of his own mind.  Even inside him, his smile can’t penetrate the ridicule and hurt they’ve inflicted on his innocent soul.  Never has a smile destroyed him like this.

She walks life with a smile engraved on her tortured soul.  Everybody’s jealous of the smile that she’s seemingly proud to wear upon her face, but what’s the real story behind this smile?  We don’t know if it’s a smile that hides a violent history, or if it’s a genuine smile that encourages progression, that everything is going to be okay.  Her smile is a visible scar from the damage done on the inside.

There’s a vast amount of interpretations that you can make about a smile.  You just never know what the other person is thinking and you won’t know what their smile indicates.  As far is I know, it’s just a crack in your soul.

Blogger Interview

Hello everyone.  This is something a little different from what I usually do, but I’m in a squirrely mood right now and wanna have some good ole fun since my alcohol supply is running short.  So if you’re one of my followers or just some random blogger on WordPress, please answer these questions honestly in the comments section.  I just want to know random stuff right now!  This is a good kind of post to get some actual participation from the community instead of just reading and then deciding to peace out.  I’ll respond to each comment.  This is a chance for you and me to get to know the people who blog just like you.

1. How old are you?
2. Why did you decide to start blogging?
3. What are your current thoughts of the opposite sex?
4. If you knew today was your last day on Earth, how would you spend it and why?
5. What’s your most embarrassing moment?
6. For the impending zombie apocalypse, what is your weapon of choice and why?
7. What is something that you want to know about me, or what question would you like to ask me?
8. What was your first impression of my blog?
9. Why is it great to be a man and/or woman?
10. Describe your first date.  If you haven’t been on a date, what do you hope will happen?
11. What upsets you most in a relationship, and what makes you happiest?
12. What do you regret most?